Hole

[Axl]

I am sick and tired of hearing and seeing people with their girls and their boys. I am sick of people posting how much they love there partner as a facebook status, do you have any idea what it's like for me to see that ever fucking day? My Exs have boyfriends and what do I have? An aching pain in my heart, a hole that has never been filled. Nothing fills it, nothing takes away the loneliness I have come to accept. Yea I'm a prick, yea I hate humanity and everything to do with it. Yea I like to be left alone, to hide away from people, to become that crazy old man in a haunted house. Does that make me unlovable? Oh sure I have lots of friends, lots of people trust me, but no one loves me. My family does, I can't take my family to a restaurant, spend my hard earned cash on them, make out with them. I am one of the only people in my group of friends that is single, I see them kissing, holding each other, and you know what I wanna do? I wanna kill them all, just end it, end them, end me, end the pain. I've come to understand why people hurt themselves, loneliness eats away at you from your heart. It is a pain which dries your tears, makes you hate people cause your alone. Oh sure it's my choice to sit on my ass in front of my computer or T.V instead of going out and meeting people, but I don't like people, I don't like anything but the pitch blackness that death hides in. People come to me for advice, for relationship troubles, why can I help them but never get a girl of my own. Am I that ugly and fucked up that I can't get a girl? Am I such a prick that I deserve to be alone? You know what scares me more then dieing alone, my temper, what if I do find a girl and I get mad and she tries to calm me and I hit her? That thought, that one thought hurts me beyond comparison. I have never done it but the thought, it hurts me, it over powers the pain of loneliness and pains me more. Have you ever felt that? The pain of a thought that has never happened but may? Both of those pains make a hole in my heart, you never see it, I never see it, but when I'm about to go to bed, that's all there is, pain, music doesn't drown it out, it's there and stays there. Restricting me from sleep, until it's to late for me to care. All I have to look forward to in life is pain, pain when I go to sleep, pain when I awake, pain.

[fαllεη •]

There are times when I can feel a hole in my heart. I hate socialising, I hate talking: I can't even string a sentence together with someone in my class. Tongue-tied at every turn, my throat locking up... Escaping into the music that eased the burning in my cheeks and the shame in my heart. I used to cry at night, wondering why such a fool had to exist, thinking that those friends I have... I really don't deserve them. It's either soft grief or anger that tears me up. Anger at myself for not being what they wanted, a curiously animal desire to break out of who I am -even if Hell were to follow- and take anyone down with me. I idly wondered about cutting; what it would feel like, would it save? But Hell, I was even too cowardly to consider the pain that hurting myself might bring, even though I could consider hurting others. Perhaps because God knows I've seen it enough. Maybe the hurt would help ease the ever-burning sting in my eyes, the numbing cotton wool that numbs me and takes away the world, I thought. But I couldn't make that leap. Not after seeing its effects on a friend's skin. Watching her dig her nails in... That's why sitting in front of a monitor eases it. I don't have to justify tears to a world that can't see them; I don't have to feel anything at all. At least online friends will never be able to analyse every twitch.
But it's also my friends who teach me that there are reasons for living. Sure, you can't love your friends the way you love a boy or girl. And I know that it hurts to see their displays of affection; it chews you up, spits you out and tramples on what remains. There's nothing good about that. (Even though I never lie awake at night with pain for love I may never feel.) But considering what would happen if one of those friends were to leave... That's the true nail-biter. Trying to sleep with the thought of waking up and them, any of them, not being there... It's an eternity until the dawn, with that thought sucking away at all the good inside. makes me wish I had sleeping pills, for encouraging a less permanent oblivion. That's my pain of a would-be reality.

The pain will fade. It has to; that has to keep you on, surely. I could not face a morning knowing that only pain was to follow, as I flee from pain like oil from vinegar. You're brave to endure this. And nothing could make you unlovable; it just takes someone to see the true worth that you have.
The only advice I can offer is belief. Believe in what may come, of the day when the anger will cease. Believe that one day you'll find someone who will accept you, cherish you, kiss all the hurt away. Believe.